"Who am I without my armor?"
Perhaps that is it. I play that everything is alright. My humor masks my pain all too easily, and to the world, I am fine. But that is my armor, and when it's not there, I am raw. That's when I find myself, in broken pieces and scraps of information that I have somehow scattered about me. And out of my own pain, I start jamming the pieces together until something fits and makes sense.
It has been suggested to me once or twice, that I may be neurodivergent. Though most use the term "autistic." I've never thought of myself that way. Never had the chance really. The people in my daily life were never accepting of autism. It was something that could never happen to me. So I never thought further about it. Now though, I see the signs. I'm learning that the reason I do things the way I do, or how my brain works, is actually unique to what others do.
Thanks internet for providing the internal mind fuck as you basically shove the signs in my face and go "congrats, you're autistic." Like "you know that thing you do? Yeah, that's autism baby!"
Fuck.
So my brain doesn't work the way other people's brains do. Perhaps that's why it is so hard for other people to stick around and handle me.
I tried to really break it down and explain it. I guess the best way to describe it is that it is a word map. It's not cohesive thoughts, despite me still having an internal monologue. It's just singular words that somehow relate to each other and a given topic.
For example, if I have the topic "relationship," I may have branching words like "trust," "communication," "fear." "love," "sex," "lifestyle," "needs," and "stillness." Then I go to each of these branch words and have to figure out what they mean. Does "communication" mean I need communication in my relationship? Does it mean I need to work on communication? Does it mean I want to communicate? And communicate to who? My partner? Other people, about my relationship? Does "fear" mean I have fears in my relationship? Do I need to express my fears? Do I need to look for fears? Am I fearful? Then I have to see if the branch words are connected to each other. Do I fear communication? Do my fears need communicated? Some of the branch words are bold and some are faded, so I then have to figure out why. Sometimes a word is bold because it is something I've been mauling over for some time. Sometimes it's bold because it is connected to a lot of other branches. Though a pattern seems to be that the bold are things I am strongly secure about. With the word "fear" being bold in many different maps, perhaps I need to put a firmer connection on the other things that "fear" is connected to, so I can relieve the pressure off of "fear?" It's a theory, I suppose. Anyway, once I've ciphered through it all, then I can shape it into a coherent sentence to communicate.
I have these webs for everything. Even for different people. And sometimes there are branches that seem to make no sense. Like, for one person, a branch word is "yellow," only because that is the color I associate with that person.
Supposedly this "web" is how neurons in our brain store information. But where mine differs is that I struggle to interpret the branches and then form them into something coherent.
To make this process more difficult, I have PTSD that throws a wrench into a lot of thinking. This has been described as a "brain goblin," and the description is accurate. The PTSD part of my brain is anxious, fearful, depressed, dark. And it will lash out and grasp any web it can, and it's poison will seep into the web until any positive branch withers and dies. The PTSD plays the perpetual "what ifs" and the self-sabotaging games. It provides flashes of situations where I am just a step behind myself, helplessly watching the scene unfold. Just a fly on the wall.
To further complicate it, by the time I've ciphered the code that is my brain, and fought off the goblin that is PTSD, I've usually forgotten the first half of the code. Memory loss is a bitch. It makes it hard to communicate when you're brain is only giving you the ending of the movie, but you have no idea how you got to that point in the plot, because you've missed the first half. So any time I get to the end, and I haven't forgotten it all, I have to get it out. I have to talk about it right then, before I lose it. Before it's washed away by memory loss, or withered to death by the toxic goblin. And it results in word vomit. Literally spewing the whole thing out in one long sentence without taking a single breath, and just getting from A to Z as fast as possible.
Most people aren't prepared for it. Not all at once like that. Most people aren't prepared for my level of anything.
Something that helps me though, is music.
I've always know music is my key. It's the key in how my mind can be controlled. I can slow it down, or speed it up just by changing songs. I can sink into a specific headspace with chords that strike a certain way. Music makes me remember. Music speaks when I can't. I've often used lyrics to help express what I'm feeling or my thoughts. And I have put to memory a vast amount of songs. Why I can't remember the conversation I had yesterday, I don't know.
If you want me to remember something, you have to give me something to musically associate it with. Otherwise I cannot guarantee it won't fall victim to dysnomia. My only other method is to write it down, which works for some situations like, work and various tasks, but it doesn't work for whole conversations. Not like music does.
I've recognized that my different headspaces also coincide with trauma responses, and each has their own specific types of music that can trigger it, and at times can be outwardly displayed by body behavior and appearance. I am working on actively identifying these headspaces and their quirks:
Fight Trauma Response - explosive, cold and arrogant, need to control, outbursts range from verbal to physical, stubborn, manic
Appearance: masculine-esque, jeans and t-shirt, hat, multiple pieces of jewelry at once.
Playlist: Wreck Havoc by Skylar Grey, Get Down Low by Snow Tha Product, Till It's Gone by Yelawolf, Sombody by Blue October, Don't Touch by Dan Farber, Time for Tea by Emilie Autumn
Flight Trauma Response - overthinking, anxiety and panic, constant movement and fidgeting, perfectionist, stims/tics/stutters, PTSD, manic paranoia
Appearance: blending in, monochromatic clothing, minimal jewelry, no make up
Playlist: Upside Down by Elliot Lee, Graveyard by Halsey, Second Hand Faith by Emilie Autumn, 4 o'Clock by Emilie Autumn
Freeze Trauma Response - undecisive, feeling stuck, isolation, lack motivation, depression, disassociation, 47, daydreaming, quiet
Appearance: grey clothing, slow movement, sleepy, no make up or jewelry, unkept hair
Playlist: Problems by DeathbyRomy, Chlorine by Twenty One Piolets, Chemical by The Devil Wears Prada, Take Me To Church by Hozier, No Milk Today by Joshua James, Lights by Battleme
Fawn Trauma Response - people pleaser, little to no boundaries, codependent, lack of identity, easily overwhelmed
Appearance: dark clothing, shoes without heel, no jewelry, minimal makeup, sweaters with sleeves over hands
Playlist: Pink by Elliot Lee, If You Feel Better by Emilie Autumn, Fairweather Friend by Emilie Autumn, Ugly Side by Blue October, Past Life by Trevor Daniel & Selena Gomez, Human by Rag'n'Bone Man
Face Trauma Response - challenges, confident, calm, grounded, alert, focused
Appearance: colorful/playful clothes, minimal jewelry, full make up, bright-eyed
Playlist: Jump Rope by Blue October, Chakras by Qveen Herby, New Friends by Maty Noyes, Row Your Boat by Yelawolf, Follow Me Down by The Jokerr
I can jump from any one of these to any other, very quickly. In a way, I inhabit them all, I suppose. I've been told that it is scary to see sometimes, because I can go from manic rage to cool and grounded in the blink of an eye. I think it's why a therapist once said I had multiple personality disorder (now DID or disassociative identity disorder). I don't know how true that is. I don't think it's true. I think I'm just good at quickly switching when most people need more time.
I'm still confused by my own mind. I've learned some new things, solidified knowledge I already knew, but it's still all confusing. Even for me. I guess it's part of why it is so hard to work with me, be on my side, love me. I guess I can understand why everyone leaves.